Tonight I did another R&C show. I think it went… ok. Not great like I felt I did last time. Not horrible like the worst-case scenario ideas my mind has envisioned. Eh.
I need to keep my focus better.
I need to suck in my stomach.
I need to break the habbit I’ve formed (from street performing) of acting like I’m going to drop
I need to not feel too rushed.
It’s amazing how many details I can find to pick apart from a 10 second performance.
While I know that not every performance is going to be stellar, I still can’t help but feel disappointed in myself. All the what-ifs that float through my mind keep me from just appreciating that I tried my best when my best just wasn’t up to my high standards for myself.
This fear of never being good enough is exhausting. Will I ever just be able to enjoy the fact that I’m here without second guessing every move I make?
Tonight I debuted my new sign for the street. What an amazing change it made. The sign invited people to notice me and react. Before I was just someone juggling on the street. After I was indirectly asking them to participate in my juggling.
Looking at it now, it makes so much sense. I feel a little dumb for not figuring it out sooner. Turn people from watchers to participants. I already kind of knew that but I guess I needed to figure out how to integrate it into my character.
The heckling was pretty standard and easy to deal with. Heh, I even feel like it directed the hecklers to pick on something I was already prepared to deal with.
And the best part: I got my first $20 bill for a tip!
Last night it was too windy to perform on the street. I got out there and gave it a try but it just wasn’t going to happen. I was not happy.
If this had happened a couple of months ago I would have been secretly relieved that I couldn’t work. I would have been frustrated about going to the effort just to have to go home but I would have been happy to not have to put myself out there. Times have changed.
It’s funny because outwardly I feel like things are more or less the same. Inwardly I feel a lot more confidence and a lot less fear. It’s a strange feeling.
I know I still have a lot of work to do but I also feel like the work I’ve been doing is paying off. Could this be the middle? Could I be over that initial scary-fall-on-your-face-don’t-give-up-it-gets-better phase? I’m more than ready to tackle that middle get-your-act-together-move-forward phase. That first phase was long and hard and not something I want to do again. Ever.
So this is what the middle looks like? Huh?
I don’t know how long it will take to get to that next phase, the this-is-acutally-working-fine-tune-get-better phase but I think I just might get there.
I love this dog right now too! But really this is a picture I had on my phone and wanted to add to this post.
Thanks to the really good day I spent with my friend and my roommate… and especially the wine my roommate shared with me… I’d just like to say:
I love you all! So much!
I moved to a different spot to street perform. It’s… different. Better in some ways. Worse in others.
Honestly, I prefer my old spot but this is not a poor substitution.
I got to spend my Sunday playing water volleyball with a group of performers at a local performers house. What a beautiful house it was. The weather has been unseasonably pleasant and it was a wonderful day.
There is so much to see when you work nights on the strip.
I missed Bizzaro so much! After a night on the street I got to hang out with Biz and Shocker at the Pinball Hall of Fame.
I suck at pinball. Apparently I also suck at air hockey. And Biz kicked my ass. Still lots of fun.
What a beautiful day spent with jugglers! We ate great food, played in the pool, and juggled too. I had planned to stay for an hour or two then head out to the street but once I got there I decided to skip the street and enjoy the party. It was so much fun.
My only complaint is that the people there were too beautiful. I felt like a blob in my bathing suit compared to the other performers there. To the gym I must go!
heckler: That looks like it sucks ass!
me: So do you!
audience: roaring laughter
That interaction could have been handed to me on a silver platter. I wish they were all that easy.